


We All Need Something to Hold On To

by oddsnends



Category: The Last Kingdom (TV)
Genre: Minor Character Death, Physical Abuse, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-23 01:07:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17673503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oddsnends/pseuds/oddsnends





	We All Need Something to Hold On To

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [We're All Broken Pieces](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19330129) by [oddsnends](https://archiveofourown.org/users/oddsnends/pseuds/oddsnends). 



Men were often proud creatures, going to great lengths to never allow that pride to waiver. To never show their true emotions, no matter what the circumstance. 

Sibbe knew many men who fit that exact description, they were often the type one would describe as a man's man. Or a tough guy. She had known and dated several of those exact men. 

Uhtred was no different, from the outside, always proud and arrogant. Nobody knew how sweet and kind he truly was, until he'd met her. She had taken the hot headed jerk and somehow tamed him. Hell, she'd even turned him into the perfect husband and doting father. 

Gisela had done the impossible - Sibbe was sure of it. 

She had known Uhtred since they were kids, he had always been like a brother, despite Sibbe having three already. They had met when Uhtred had moved to the neighbourhood and quickly befriended her twin brother, Sihtric. It wasn't until he had met Gisela that he started to become somebody else. Somebody far more enjoyable than he had ever been before. Gisela had given him a purpose. She was his shining light. 

Who would have thought that the proud, soft, and doting Uhtred could ever be reduced to such a state. Sibbe had been out of town for work, when the news had reached her. Sihtric had called her, telling her that she had to come home, immediately. 

There had been an accident, was all Sihtric had told his twin sister, an accident involving Gisela and a drunk woman. He didn't have to say the rest for Sibbe to know what he was telling her. 

Four days ago they had gathered to pay their respects, to tell Uhtred and his children how sorry they were, while they watched their beloved Gisela be laid to rest. Sibbe had blocked out most of that afternoon, remembering sparse details - the sun was shining, unfitting to the mood surrounding the group. She had stood with Osferth and Hild, holding hands as if they were to let go, they would crumble. Sihtric never left Uhtred's side, keeping guard over his friend as Uhtred had done for Sihtric so many times. 

As dusk fell, Finan and Brida lit a pyre, a nod to Gisela's own background. The fire roared and flickered, the orange glow illuminating the small group around it. Uhtred didn't stay to finish watching the fires burn. He left, disappearing into his room, where he remained. 

Day three, people were still coming and going from the house. The visitors were now reduced to immediate family and close friends. Bringing their respects and more casseroles. If Uhtred's sister, Thyra, had to find room for another potato mash, she was going to scream. 

As the hours grew late and the outside darker, the decisions of the day were made. Thyra and her husband, Beocca were taking Uhtred and Gisela's three children home with them. Hild would come round tomorrow to check on Uhtred, and Sibbe would linger behind in case he needed anything in the mean time. 

"I'm going. Call me, if you need anything." Sihtric kissed his sister's cheek, embracing her in a tight hug. "Finan and I are going for a drink." 

"Thank you. Be safe." Sibbe kissed her brother's cheek and hugged his dark haired friend. 

"Don't be too hard on him, aye." Finan hugged her tight. 

"I won't." Sibbe replied, holding onto Finan a little longer. "And you, don't let my brother get too drunk, he has to work in the morning." 

With Sihtric and Finan gone that was the last two bodies out of the house, save for Sibbe and Uhtred. The house grew quiet. Uhtred in his room, making hardly a noise. Sibbe's heart ached for her friend, as strong as Uhtred was, nothing could have shaken him more. 

Quietly moving around the kitchen, Sibbe had a plan. If she could get Uhtred to eat and perhaps shower, she could get him into bed for some proper rest. Nobody had saw him since the burial. His brother, Ragnar, had knocked on the door several times yesterday to get an angry yell from the other side. 

Sibbe wasn't Ragnar and she didn't care what lewdness Uhtred yelled at her; she was going to march into that room and...her shoulders sank, what was she going to do? She couldn't very well hold him down and force feed him. Nor could she drag him out of the room, Uhtred was taller and stronger than she. 

Despite her sudden dismay, Sibbe continued to fix something to eat. Two sandwiches, crafted from a roast that somebody had brought, and a bottle of Jura that she'd found in the cupboard Sibbe set off on her mission. 

Upstairs was silent, the rooms dark. At the end of the hall the door was closed and a faint hint of light crept from underneath. Bravely she bumped the door with her elbow to knock. 

Nothing. 

Plate in one hand, she tucked the bottle under her arm and jiggled the door handle. Unlocked. Contrary to belief, Uhtred hadn't locked himself in, he'd hid away instead. 

"Uhtred?" Sibbe leaned against the door of the dimly lit bedroom. 

"Go, I don't want to be bothered." He waved his hand in the air, back to, sitting on the edge of the bed. 

"I want to, but you know that I can't." 

"Please, leave. I don't want to see anybody." 

"You've been in here for three days. Do you not want to come out? Not even for a little while?" If he was leaving the room, then it was after everybody had gone and the house was left with nothing but haunting memories. 

"No."

"Thyra took the kids home, they're going to stay with her and Beocca for a while." This was news that Uhtred should know. 

"They should be here, with their mother." Was that a sob? 

"Uhtred," 

"Go!"

"I'm not leaving you alone. I won't be in the way, but I won't leave either." 

"I don't want to be bothered, Sibbe." Uhtred raised his tone. "Now go! Leave me be."

Sighing heavily, Sibbe refused to listen. Marching across the room, she stopped at the foot of the bed. Plate out stretched, she directed to it with her eyes. Uhtred's blue eyes red rimmed and dull, he glared at her. 

Sibbe's intentions were pure and Uhtred knew that. Sibbe had to be one of the most kindhearted people that he knew, outside of his Gisela. Any other circumstance and Uhtred would welcome the short dark haired woman with open arms and lively conversation. 

Not today. 

"Go home." He muttered in a disgruntled way.

"No." 

"This is my house. I will not be..." "Stop it! Stop it!" Sibbe cut him off, stomping her foot. 

Silence hit the walls and ricocheted around the pair. Uhtred slumped off the bed, sinking to the hardwood floor below. Who did Sibbe think she was? Marching in here, into his home - his room - and dictating to him. Nostrils flared, he sat on the floor stewing. 

"Uhtred," Sibbe knelt down beside the shell of a man on the floor. "I'm...sorry to yell at you." 

"What do you want?" He continued to glare at her with hard eyes. Snatching the bottle from her, there was no time wasted in twisting the cap and allowing the liquor to flow from it's confines. 

Three days and the only time Uhtred left the room was to grab a bottle of tequila from the cupboard downstairs. He'd waited until everyone was in bed, although he had a suspicion that Thyra had heard him creep past Stiorra's bedroom where Thyra had been spending the nights. 

He'd sat alone on the floor, in a similar manner to how he was now, the bottle keeping him company while the tears burned his face and the memories and anger tore his heart. Gisela would hate him in this state. 

"You to eat." Sibbe held out the plate of sandwiches. 

"Why?" He whispered, his lips poised to the bottle. 

"Why what?" Sibbe sat back on her haunches. "I want you to eat, because I doubt you've eaten in days." 

"Not that." Uhtred rolled his eyes. 

"Then why what? I'm not a mind reader." Sibbe shifted to sit beside him. 

Out of all her gifts and talents reading minds, other than Sihtric's, wasn't something she could do. 

"Gisela did nothing wrong. Why her?" 

The question was one that Uhtred had pondered since he had gotten the call, there had been an accident. He was getting Oswald from school, when the phone rang. A man on the other end identified himself as a police officer, immediately Uhtred's blood ran cold and his heart began to race. 

After that it had all gone black. 

Somehow he had managed to get home, safe at that, and call for somebody to watch the kids. Brida had stayed with the children, while Ragnar had drove him downtown. 

The woman who had asked him to identify the body had been polite and sympathetic, telling Uhtred that she understood if he would need a moment or two alone. She'd led him down a hall, Ragnar by his side, and into a room. After that Uhtred had done everything he could to block the memory. It was the worst moment he'd endured. 

"I - I don't know." 

"And the kids. What now?"

Coming home after having to identify his wife, all of it had made Uhtred sick. How was he to walk into the house and tell his children? They were waiting for their mother to come home, none the wiser. 

They'd attended the funeral and the wake, yet Uhtred felt they weren't fully grasping the concept. Oswald perhaps, but the other two were far too young for this. 

They were three innocent little lives, left without their mother. Children needed their mother. 

"How am I to face them now?" Uhtred tipped the bottle up, his eyes red and glossy. "They're going to ask for her and then what? What do I say? What do I do?" 

Sibbe wished she had all the answers. Answers to give Uhtred and the children, when they asked later. How did you explain to a toddler that his mother would never come back? Or to a little girl that the woman she worshiped had been unfairly taken away? 

"The good thing is that you're not alone. You have friends and family to help you through this." Sibbe held her hand out, asking for the bottle. "We'll make it work, Uhtred." 

"Will we?"

The whiskey burned and warmed Sibbe's insides, caressing her like a warm hug on the way down. The burning reminded her of the pyre lit only a few evenings ago. Burning and dancing for those who were there. Licking her lips she let the bottle rest between her and Uhtred on the floor. 

"I think so." Sibbe had no real way of knowing, of course. Some how Uhtred and his children would push through. They would manage, despite the tears along the way, one day they would wake up and be on the other side of all this. 

"Ironic." Uhtred glanced at the bottle between them. "It was probably a similar bottle that took my wife. Yet, here I am, drowning that very memory." 

"That woman..." Sibbe had nothing else to say. 

The woman they'd found out thanks to Uhtred's boss, Alfred, and his connections to the local enforcement, was a young woman who had been going through some rough times herself. Sibbe couldn't blame her for wanting to drink away the pain and strife, although she'd never forgive her for getting into a car. 

"Skade, her name is Skade." Uhtred snarled. "I found out that she'll have a trial, but I don't think I can go." 

"If you have to, then I'll go with you. We'll talk to your lawyers, but maybe they won't need you there. Whatever the outcome, I'm going to be right beside you. Sihtric will be, too." 

"My wife is gone and they probably won't even give her a fine." Uhtred snarled. "You know, she didn't even stay to see if Gisela was okay. She just...left." 

Sibbe had heard those details as well, Alfred had came over the morning of the funeral to deliver the news to Uhtred. Sibbe had heard when Beocca told Sihtric and Finan later that afternoon. 

"Did you know she sent flowers? That damn witch sent flowers to my family, after she cursed us." Uhtred clenched his fists, a rage building. 

Flowers were hardly a sign of malicious intent, some would even view them as a means to make amends. Uhtred had immediately ordered them to the trash, he wanted nothing to do with this woman or her hollow apologies. If she sat behind bars for the rest of her life, so be it, because he was the one who had truly lost. 

"I didn't know." Sibbe replied quietly, reaching for the bottle. 

Uhtred's nod was sluggish. 

Silence befell the pair once more. Sibbe sat cross legged, her attention shifting from Uhtred to the bottle in her hand. She wanted nothing more than to go back and fix all of this. 

If she could bring Gisela back...

Until Science allowed such things, all she could do was comfort her hurting friend. 

A plate of sandwiches on the floor beside him; Uhtred was reluctant to pick up half of one. Staring at it as if food was a concept he had yet to master. Instead of taking a bite, he spoke. 

"What made you decide to stay?" 

Everyone else was gone, he had heard them leave not long before Sibbe had come to seek him out. Aside from Ragnar, nobody dared try and disturb Uhtred since he retreated. Sibbe had taken her time, Uhtred had half expected to see her face before now. He needed space and she had respected that. Despite her worry about his well being. 

"You have always been there for Sihtric and I. Now, it's my turn to be there for you." Sibbe passed him the bottle. 

"You don't have to do this. I'm happy to be left alone." Uhtred accepted the bottle, the dark amber liquid tasted as bitter as his soul had turned. 

"Nobody should be left alone in a time like this." Sibbe shrugged, leaning against the side of the bed. "You're hurting and it does nobody any good to be left with their thoughts." 

"When did you become the expert on grief?" Uhtred scoffed. The bottle clutched in his hand, at least she had brought him a decent whiskey. Sibbe stiffened and sniffed hard; Uhtred's shoulders sinking. "Sibbe..." 

When Sibbe and Sihtric were thirteen, their mother had passed away, leaving them in the care of their father. To this day, Sihtric would angrily tell anybody who would listen that his life had ended on that very day. Somehow it was Sihtric who had became the new punching bag, after his mother's passing. A theory, held by Uhtred's adoptive father Ragnar, Sr. was that Kjartan had murdered his wife. Somewhere in his theory, Sihtric had known more than his father had wanted him to. Sibbe, terrified to explore the theory had convinced herself that her mother's death was an accident, nothing more. 

Uhtred had always been their protector from that day on. 

"Sometimes death leaves you with a funny mix of emotions. My world was wrecked, when we lost my mother." Sibbe sat stiff as a board. "And then, when my father died..." her voice trailed off. "It was the greatest relief I have ever felt. Not for me, but for Sihtric." 

Two years ago, when Kjartan has passed, Gisela had gone round to Sihtric's apartment every day to check in on him. Drunk for a week, Sihtric as happy as he was still had a lot of grief to process. Gisela had sat with him for hours, allowing him to pour it all out. She would make his meals, invite him over to the house to be around his friends, and even did his laundry and cleaned his house. When she wasn't helping Sihtric deal with purging the toxic memories from his life, she was with Sibbe trying to help her in any way she could. 

They were important to Uhtred and as his wife, she wanted them to be cared for, after all they were nothing less than family. 

Now it was Sibbe's turn to repay the kindness that Gisela had shown them over the years. 

Uhtred took a bite from the sandwich, chasing it with the whiskey. Sibbe's hope perked. 

"I've lost people before, but this..." Uhtred mumbled around a mouthful of food. Swallowing, he paused to collect his thoughts. 

Sibbe had known about his father, passing when Uhtred was very young. It's how he ended up with Ragnar, Sr. and Sigrid. And then there was his first son, from another marriage. 

Nobody talked about Uhtred and Mildrith's marriage or their son, it was a subject that was raw among those who had been privy to the life and times. Gisela had known and Sibbe was certain that was the last time Uhtred had spoke of his ex-wife. 

"She won't be alone, you know." Sibbe sat staring at the framed photo of Uhtred and Gisela on the night stand. 

"What?"

"Gisela, she won't be alone. My mom will take care of her for you." Sibbe knew that Uhtred's idea of the afterlife and hers were different in many ways. His sideways glance said more about his feelings of her statement than words ever could. His personal beliefs and feelings didn't deter her from her thoughts. "And now Mildrith won't have to worry." 

"Sibbe." Uhtred was tired of her nonsense already. He was in no mood to hear her preach, nor was he in the mood to listen to her talk about Mildrith or their son.

"What? Do you not believe they have gone somewhere good? Somewhere beautiful and bright? Two kind and good women, along with an innocent child. Surely you believe that they are deserving of somewhere peaceful to rest." Sibbe frowned, tipping the bottle. The alcohol seemed to help her courage to keep voicing her thoughts out loud. "Believe what you want, Uhtred, but I know that they have made it somewhere divine." 

"You should lay off of the fairy tales." 

Sibbe had a fierce belief in all things good and heaven was one of them. The tragedy of losing her mother had dictated that she needed to believe in such a place. Sihtric and Uhtred had teased her about her faith, never the less it didn't stop Sibbe. 

"My heaven is no different than what you believe. No matter where they went, I know that they are together and they'll take care of one another. My mother and your son will welcome Gisela and..." a sob choked Sibbe's words. 

"My dear, sweet, Sibbe." Uhtred moved closer, his arm around her shoulder, drawing her to his chest. "You may also need to lay off of the drinking." 

Face turned, agitated and perhaps a little tipsy, Sibbe sniffled her voice muffled in Uhtred's shoulder. "Don't mock me." 

Stroking her hair, a crack of a smirk had graced Uhtred's lips. Since he had received the news, he had felt it would be impossible to ever smile again. "I'm not mocking you. But I thought you were here to comfort me." 

Pulling back, Sibbe rubbed her cheeks, drying the tears. "I am, but...we all tell ourselves things to make it hurt a little less." 

Uhtred wished he could make this hurt less. 

Not only for himself, but his children as well. They were his sole responsibility, some father he was. Hiding away like a coward, while his sister took on the role of parent. 

Sniffling beside him, Sibbe rested her head on his shoulder. Headstrong and sweet, always putting others ahead of herself. Uhtred admired her for that. He hadn't known it at the time, when she'd barged in demanding he eat, but talking and allowing his emotions to be freed had been a small portion of weight lifted. 

"Sibbe." Uhtred's voice was hushed. "Thank you." 

Always the one taking care of Sihtric and Sibbe, it was different being the one to rely on them. Uhtred meant it. They hadn't given it any thought, rushing to his aid with whatever he needed. 

Sibbe squeezed his hand. "If there's anything else, you can always ask. It doesn't hurt to let your pride slip and ask." 

"My dear, sweet Sibbe." Uhtred rubbed her shoulder. "Always the wise one." 

"Yes, and as the wise one, I want you to get in bed. Have a proper sleep, and tomorrow, start new. It's going to take time and I know it will never bring..." 

"Sibbe." Uhtred held a finger to his lips, indicating her to to shush. Sibbe blinked in confusion. "I will do as you say, if you stop with the lectures and lay with me?" 

Sibbe must have looked like a deer in the headlights, at the very least she felt like one. What had she been asked to do? No. No she couldn't. How could he even think to ask her such a thing? Was Uhtred looking for a punch? Or was he that grief stricken that he didn't know what he was asking? 

No. Sibbe would refuse. 

"Uhtred," her voice was shaking. "What you're asking me to do, it's...I. We shouldn't."

Uhtred had picked up on her internal conflict, his hand finding hers once more. 

"I haven't been sleeping, because the bed is too empty. I have tried, but I can't bear it. I miss Gisela next to me. What I am asking is just that, to lie with me until I am asleep. You can move to another room or even go home, once I am sleeping. I only ask for a little comfort." 

Sibbe's mouth moved, as if trying to form words. Comfort? She had watched enough romantic comedies to know that this was always how it began. Well, not her. No way. Frowning, Sibbe worked on the best way to turn him down. 

"If you don't want to, I understand. It was kind of a dumb thing to ask, anyway. Forgive me?" 

"You're forgiven," Sibbe whispered. Against her better judgment, she gave in. "And I will, but only until you are asleep and then I am moving to another room. I don't want any wrong impressions, nor do I want..." 

"Sibbe. You really should stop over thinking everything." Uhtred pushed himself from the floor, standing over Sibbe, his hand extended. "I am exhausted and need to sleep that's all." 

"O-okay." Sibbe stood on shaking legs. "I'll um, I'll..." she sat on the edge of the bed. "Let me know when you're ready for bed, then?"

Uhtred kissed her cheek and demanded she wait for him, before he slept a shower and change of clothes was in order. He'd been wearing the same thing since he'd retired to his room after the funeral. A hot shower and a woman's presence would surely help him sleep. 

Some minutes later, feeling as though it had been an eternity, Sibbe laid in bed facing Uhtred. The black circles under his eyes more visible now she was closer to him. He was a picture of exhaustion and her heart was aching all over again. Without thought, she'd brought her hand to stroke his damp hair. Her fingers running over his scalp and her body warm next to his. 

If he closed his eyes really tight and blocked out everything from the last week, Uhtred could take himself back to the evening before...before he...a sharp sniffle was the only indication to Sibbe that he was thinking of his wife. Her fingers were gentle and her touch soft, she was almost the same height as Gisela, fitting in place beside him. Sibbe held her breath under his touch, when he slid his arms around her to hold her closer. Her shape and size, even her smell, could be manipulated if Uhtred closed his eyes and wished hard enough. Sibbe listened to his heart racing, her own heart quickly matching the rhythm. 

In his mind he could convince himself that it was his wife in bed with him. In his heart, he knew that that nobody would ever come close to his Gisela.


End file.
